Channel: Janell Kristina

Category: Entertainment

Tags: deathenlightenmentmental healthsufferingsoulyogaupdatesadnessindiajanell kristinaegoattemptlifeminimalismemptinessuncontrolledawakeningnurseintuitiondark night of the souleat pray loveconsciousnesskundalinisuicidechangespiritspiritualitybuddhismkillindonesiaspiritual awakeninganxietyhelpvlogselfgrowtha new earthdepressioneckhart tolle

Description: WARNING THIS VIDEO TALKS ABOUT SUICIDE. // Here are somethings I wish I explained better if at all // Even though my life was really good on paper, and by far the best I ever had things going for me, it wasn’t a life that resonated with my deepest self. My intuition had been whispering but I never learned to trust that voice and fear lead me to follow a path that other people and society had for me. When I looked around most people seemed trapped in unconscious lives full of suffering, myself included, and I found it so unsettling. When my life finally got to a point where I had freedom (time, space, awareness, maturity, and finances) to relax and really just enjoy being in the physical world the universe basically sat me down with all my issues and forced feed me them to deal with. My depression has almost always been trying to tell me something is wrong, or that I miss and loved someone, or that I’m too hard on myself with my thoughts and need to forgive and let go. I kept trying to make the life I was living loud enough to drown out the little voice inside of me that said this isn’t what I’m here for anymore. The climax of that internal disagreement is basically what I believe lead to my dark night of the soul. I felt completely drained of life force, like a candle wick that refused to catch flame or a car that had to be started every few minutes just to last another half mile. I was exhausted just from existence and already felt more dead than alive on top of the sadness. When I started to feel better I only wanted to enjoying living. Life felt short, I didn’t know if or when I would be depressed again so I cherished feeling well like it was a timer about to go off again. This is a video I made a little bit after that time: youtu.be/LYdkkjbHL1A Since I didn’t know how much time I had I felt very comfortable taking what felt like a huge risk to me outside of being completely reckless. This is when I finally allowed my life to change in a way that felt very intense. I know I have a lot of privilege in this area. I’m single, I’m able-bodied, I don’t have kids, I have a career that when I think outside of the box I can be flexible and plan unemployment around. I have also chosen and worked hard for all those things consciously for eight years before I saw any crazy excitement from it, and personally believe it’s taken me several lifetimes to get to this point. I also don’t believe you have to have a full break down and exit your life to connect to yourself, I just don’t tend to pay attention to things that aren’t extreme and obvious so the universe tends to slap me around a bit until I get the point. *** Between my dark night and the time I spent in India and able to get a fresh perceptive nearly everything that I cared about was reevaluated. My prioritizes, my attachments, my goals, and things that I used to define me faded and changed. Youtube was something I completely let go of, with full resistance at first. I was on the verge of deleting my channel until I felt like it was right to come back and share again. I’m beyond nervous to come back, especially with THIS video, but also because I see my future content being very different than before. I’m excited for those of you that stick around and totally understand that this isn’t going to resonate with everyone. *** I held off on taking antidepressants because when my depression was this bad (10/10) and I am on medication I just felt a void in the space where I would have felt sadness. Instead of depression, there is just a vast hollow space where I felt absolute nothingness and the person I am is totally erased. I would be so far out of my body and I didn’t recognize myself, when I looked in a mirror I would see a totally numb and blank version of who I normally am. I was waiting it out hoping eventually I would feel better since I didn’t prefer the zombie feeling over the suffering in sadness. I definitely wasn’t in the most rational mindset and not taking the best care of myself. // Things that made me feel better // *The most beautiful song about sadness I have ever heard / Blue Healer by Birdtalker youtu.be/eKPRgWqKmM4 (look up the lyrics) *This song called the work by Rob Ricardo youtu.be/733wHjGeVvs *This book that restored my faith in humanity using data called Factfulness goodreads.com/book/show/34890015-factfulness *Eckhart Tolle This book that sparked by awakening /A New Earth amzn.to/2KWgaJq A paraphrasing of what he said in a video I watched “Do what you can with peace in your heart, otherwise it’s not worth it” + more info on the dark night eckharttolle.com/eckhart-on-the-dark-night-of-the-soul *This human and her work instagram.com/the.holistic.psychologist // thank you if you read all of this and understood what I was trying to say in this video. You are the reason I am back on YouTube and I am so, so grateful for you. we’re not alone //